UPDATE at 11.40am.
had a good 15min talk w lin yi. shared with him a little. only a little. and he said something which made me think back. and it rang so true. he was simply spot on with his observation.
here's what he said.

"连jonathan都会被一个女孩子搞得团团转，可见她在你心里是多么的重要."

i cant help but agree with what he said. the very first time im going to such lengths for a girl.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

im typing this with a leaden heart.

why doesnt anybody appreciate me? people just take me for granted all the time.

nobody ever calls or texts me to check on me, check on how im doing.

nobody bothers to ask me out for a drink or anything just to catch up with me.

nobody is ever there when i need to talk. there are so many things i want to say. but there's nobody there to listen to me. and there's only so much i can tell my mum and dad.

people i hold dear to my heart, people like jing hui and hui shan are always too busy or too tired to talk while sam's just drifting away slowly. i always make an effort to keep myself up to date as much as i can on my friends.

i know what it feels like to be ostracised from a group of friends for being the standout in a group. i dont ask for much.

i just want to feel appreciated. im always there for others. why cant people be here for me?

i dont know who actually cares about me anymore. it was like that in nan chiau. it was like that in TP and MDIS as well. true i have lots of friends. but who really gives a shit about jonathan?

as a matter of fact, i'm even hoping for something really bad to happen to me, so that people will realise how precious i am to them. ( i dont know how true this holds for my friends ). jing hui is the only who actually told me that he treasures my friendship. who knows, nobody might even care that im lying in a hospital bed fighting for my life or whatever.

miserable boy you are jonathan theo. you truly are.

i am so tired of fighting for what i love for and believe in. i dont want to be kind and selfless. but i cant help it. its not in my nature to give up. i will fight until im really exhausted and cant go on no more. there's always a limit to a person.

im teetering ever so close to the edge. push me any further and i'll really fall. and then there wont be any more jonathan.

only a distant memory of the boy who used to be so cheerful, so endearing, so fun to be with.

the boy whose name is jonathan theo.